Boy's Night Out
by QueenTigris
Summary: It's a little late for Gaara's birthday, but he'll love it anyway. Temari is the mastermind behind the best birthday gift Gaara's ever received, and the consequential sexual identity crisis of her oldest little brother. GaaNaru. Oneshot. Crack!


**Warning:** **I have a nasty cold and I was hyped up on Nyquil when I wrote this.**

**Disclaimer: It's a pity, but no.**

**Boy's Night Out**

* * *

"Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you— Happy birthday dear Gaaaaaarrraaaaaa—"

"A stripper bar?" his voice dripped with disgust.

Kankurou paused at the possibly threatening disdain that flashed in his brother's eyes. "Eh... yeah! Today is the day that you shall be welcomed into the realm of men, little man!" Years ago, Kankurou would have been long gone the moment Gaara even looked at him askance, but he had slowly learned to be more comfortable around his little brother, no matter how crazy he was. Now, at the look in his eyes, Kankurou was considering going back on that sentiment.

"... a stripper bar?" Even when incredulous with his brother's stupidity, Gaara's glare was very menacing.

The hooded puppet-nin laughed nervously. "Yeah... um... Temari even had the whole place rented out for the night."

Gaara's eyes widened. "Temari agreed to this?" She had even condoned it? His world had quite possibly just been turned upside down. For the third or forth time.

"She even cleared all the strippers personally."

Okay. They were definitely _trying_ to drive him insane. As if the first and second time hadn't been enough.

Kankurou nodded, slapping his palms on the table in a senseless rhythm. Maybe he should have thought this out more thoroughly, h though.

He perked up when the stage lights suddenly brightened and the music started. "Awesome! It's starting."

Gaara wondered why he hadn't gotten up to leave yet. Maybe it was because there was a half-naked, scarily muscular man blocking the exit. Those pectorals looked like they could poke eyes out.

Kankurou grinned through his face paint as the lights flashed and the announcer's voice granted the Kazekage a happy birthday over the speakers. It had all started as a stupid joke of his that he just happened to share with Temari. Maybe he should have been more cautious when she jumped at the idea. Why did _he_ have to be the one to risk his neck while Temari got to spend a cozy night with her lazy and thoroughly whipped boy toy?

The he found a whole new reason to curse his older sister. "Holy shit..." He couldn't turn his eyes away. It was like watching a car crash. Or like watching Gaara devour a canister of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Terrifying and fascinating all in one moment.

Gaara blinked slowly. "I don't recall telling anyone..."

Kankurou's head snapped to look at him, snatching up any reason to pull his eyes from the stage. "_What_?"

Gaara cocked his head to the side, not bothering to look away from the stage. Had he been his old self, Temari and Kankurou would already be dead. But he had turned over a new leaf, figuratively speaking, so he would enjoy the show for now, while hiding that fact from his brother and whatever other audience he had. Then he wouldn't speak to his siblings for a month and he'd glare at them until they whimpered at night with their nightmares. After all, Temari had good taste...

"I can't believe this!" Kankurou panicked. "Seriously, Gaara, I had no idea that Temari ordered male strippers." Kankurou watched in horror as Gaara's eyes followed as a scantily clad, decidedly male, body slid down a strategically placed pole and back up again. "Shit... you're not...?" He had never pondered his little brother's preferences. If anything, some part of him had decided Gaara was asexual.

One teal eyes turned to pierce the puppet-nin. "What?" It was a threat.

"Nothing!" It was easier to watch half-naked men strutting up and down the runway rather that face Gaara's death glare. He shuddered as the steadily became more naked.

His little brother was gay. Why wasn't he surprised? Well, surprised beyond the incredulity he felt at the fact that Gaara was interested in something that didn't involve blood and gore... or paperwork.

Kankurou started drumming his fingers on the tabletop. There was a little candle flickering with the strobe lights in the middle of the table. Glancing over his shoulder, Kankurou wondered if Temari had picked out the door guard as well. "Kami," he mumbled. "How much longer is this gonna last? It's not like they have much left to _strip_."

He slumped and sighed with relief when the lights finally dimmed and the strippers left the stage. Gaara shifted in the seat next to him. He uncrossed his arms. Then he re-crossed them.

"And now—" the announcer's voice blasted through the surround sound once again. "for a very special appearance! He came all the way to Sunagakure just for our very own Kazekage-sama to say, 'happy birthday!' Please welcome..."

Kankurou groaned as the lights brightened again and a new song began. The he nearly had a heart attack when the curtain rose. "I— is— is that...?"

"Uzumaki Naruto!" the speakers blared.

Gaara, on the other hand, really _did_ have a heart attack. If it weren't for Shukaku he'd have keeled over right there.

Naruto grinned as he stepped down from the stage, seemingly completely comfortable in his stiletto heels.

... And Kankurou couldn't take it any more as the blonde settled himself on Gaara's knee. Forgetting the scary muscle man by the door, he ran, and he didn't stop until he reached the _female_ stripper club down the street. If he didn't reassert his manly masculinity soon, Kankurou was sure he would pull a Gaara and do something crazy... like get a tattoo on his forehead that had a dual meaning.

Meanwhile, fortunately for Gaara, his mind had already gone into a tailspin and was currently inaccessible. So, there was nothing to stop Naruto from twisting in his lap and grabbing his collar to lean forward and whisper into his ear, "Happy sixteenth birthday..." while slowly unlacing his black and orange striped corset.

Gaara didn't have many protests after that. Maybe he would even thank Temari for such an insightful birthday gift... but then again, he would have more fun glaring at her until she was forced to apologize. Then he would play with her mind and smile lecherously and watch the confusion and fear on her face. But that was later.

Naruto chuckled as the Kazekage ran a hand up a fishnet-clad thigh. "By the way," he breathed into his ear. "I haven't given you _my_ present yet."

Gaara smirked. As long as said present did not involve handcuffs and a maid costume like last year, he had a feeling he would enjoy it.


End file.
